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Elizabeth Hughes MD
Coaching for physicians in dysfunctional relationships
You’re smart, ambitious, accomplished.
You have a fulfilling career, the gratitude of your patients, and the respect of your colleagues.
Your life looks like a success. But that’s not how your life
feels.
Because behind all of that apparent success, you have a secret, something you don’t want to admit even to your closest friend. You are in a deeply dysfunctional relationship.
You have a secret: You are in a deeply dysfunctional relationship.
I’m not talking about a run of the mill disagreements or drifting apart.
I’m talking about being married to a sociopath, who lies, cheats, and steals without batting an eye.
…having a dictatorial parent who is actively hostile toward your spouse and is ruling — and ruining — your life.
…living with someone who refuses to address her anger management issues and instead uses her volatility to hold you hostage.
…being in practice with a partner who routinely shirks his clinical responsibilities, leaving you to cover for him and clean up the messes.
…being in a relationship with someone who is addicted or physically violent. Or both.
This emotionally manipulative, psychologically turbulent relationship has eroded your self worth, your self-esteem, and even your sense of sanity.
You’re in an impossible situation. You want to leave, to disentangle yourself from this crazy situation. But if you do, you may put vulnerable people, your reputation, and your financial wellbeing at risk.
It feels like there’s no way out.
Worst of all, you start blaming yourself. “If I’m so smart, how did I let this happen? Why didn’t I see the warning signs?”
You don’t feel like there’s anyone who will understand. Or who won’t judge you.
You feel hopeless, and completely and totally alone.
If I'm so smart, how did this happen?
Hi, I'm Elizabeth. I get it. Because I've been there.
On paper, my medical career looked like a fairy tale: prestigious universities, dermatology residency at a top program, then being named chief residency, followed by a faculty appointment, and so on. Even my personal life — with my two lovely children and my beautiful home — appeared enviable.
Behind my success, I hid a terrible secret. Actually multiple secrets.
My mother is a narcissist (with some borderline characteristics thrown in). My father was an alcoholic.
My husband was a serial and unrepentant liar, who was eventually diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. (Want to know more about that relationship? Read this.)
And first my boss, someone I looked up to as a mentor, took advantage of my hard work and good nature to essentially offload the majority of his clinical responsibilities on me, while he went on vacation every 6 weeks.
Every important relationship in my life was dominated by people who lacked empathy and exploited me. At times I felt like I was wearing a beacon, something invisible to most people, but which signaled “Abuse Me” to sociopaths and energetic vampires.
And then there was the psychological torment I subjected myself to. I blamed myself. I thought: If I’m so smart, how did I let this happen? I made myself responsible for fixing messes. I compensated by keeping my head down, keeping my mouth shut, and working harder. I lost countless hours of sleep wondering how I could get out of this corner I’d painted myself into.
Worst of all, I felt there was no one I could turn to for help. I’d been hiding these secrets for so long and I’d done everything in my power to make my life look ideal, I thought people wouldn’t believe me. And I was afraid anyone who heard my story would judge me as harshly as I was judging myself.
There is a way out. And you will come through stronger than ever.
A decade ago I never could have imagined how amazing my life is now. My children, now late adolescents, are thriving. I have good friends, professional fulfillment, and a gorgeous home. In short, I have everything I was afraid I would lose by disentangling myself my emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage. And I’m happy — downright joyous, in fact — in a way I never was at any point in my life previously.
None of this change came because I sued, or fought, or put up boundaries. The change came when
I changed my internal state. Now sociopaths and addicts literally leave me alone.
As for the difficult people I have to continue to be in contact with (my mother, my ex-husband), they have completely changed how they interact with me. The games and manipulation are gone and I can enjoy their good qualities without any baggage, resentment, or hostility.
I have developed a unique, simple, approachable process, framed in Jungian psychology combined with advanced coaching techniques, which will make you manipulation-proof. Un-f***-able with. Repellant to emotional vampires and psychological manipulators.
Want to know more? Or perhaps you just want to talk with someone who understands, who won’t judge or blame you? Schedule a call and I’ll be happy to listen and share.
Five things anyone in a dysfunctional relationship should know:
#1:You're not alone.
It is estimated that up to 4% of the general population are sociopaths, as many as 5% are narcissists, and at least 10% are or have been addicted to substance. Of course the number of addicts is higher if you include addictive behaviors like gambling and pornography. Additionally, a significant number of women are relationships with someone who is physically abusive. That adds up to hundreds of thousands of potential victimizers in the country.
Most sociopaths hide in plain sight. They go to college, hold down jobs, drive nice cars, keep their yards tidy, etc. Because the vast majority of these victimizers live normal lives, including getting married, chances are you know someone who is or has been in a dysfunctional relationship.
Most sociopaths hide in plain sight. They go to college, hold down jobs, drive nice cars, keep their yards tidy, etc. Because the vast majority of these victimizers live normal lives, including getting married, chances are you know someone who is or has been in a dysfunctional relationship.
#2: You're not to blame.
Because victimizers are adept at disguising their true nature — some even enjoy the game of deception — there is often no way to know the victimizer’s true nature until you are deeply in a relationship. Further, victimizers do everything they can to create a situation which keeps you stuck. So you’re not to blame for missing red flags or not foreseeing how things would turn out. The sociopath’s mind works dramatically differently from that of a normal person, which means you can’t really understand what they’re all about or do anything to change them.
#3: You don't have to feel isolated.
Your victimizer wants you to feel alone, silenced. You may have spent years hiding the degree of dysfunction in your relationship for fear of retaliation or judgment. But know this: There are people who understand and care. Plus, the first step in disarming a victimizer is to speak up and enlist support.
#4: You can't fight a victimizer.
You can’t fight a victimizer, at least not in the traditional way. The energy of your anger and resistance actually feeds the victimizer. Some (like my ex-husband) thrive on the conflict. The way to conquer a victimizer is by changing your deeply held assumptions and habitual responses to the victimizer’s actions, moving closer toward the Buddhist concept of non-resistance. As Val Uchendu said, “Nothing can resist a person who is nonresistant. When you overcome negative with positive, hate with love, evil with good, you turn a loss to a win. You have become profound.”
#5: You will survive... and thrive.
When you are backed into a corner it is easy to think in absolutes. It might feel like your life will fall apart, but I guarantee it won’t. Any apparent crumbling is just a waypoint to something greater. Personally, I am now grateful for everything I’ve experienced in my life, including the vast quantities of BS, because the process of disentangling myself from my horrible relationships made me a better person. I could never be where I am today if I hadn’t left where I was.